Hi. We’re Zop and Zep, and we’re running for president and vice-president of Earth. Today, we want to reach out to our fellow aliens who have made their home in and on this great planet. Immigration is what makes this planet great and today, we want to address their concerns. Specifically, why do Earthians go crazy when leave start dying? Are they mad at leaves? Did the leaves kill their families? Are leaves the ultimate enemy of Earthian beings? Zop and Zep answer all these questions and more in “Zop & Zep’s Fall Survival Guide.”
1. Pick a side.
Somewhere in the deep dark history of earth, Earthians and leaf-kind had a terrible war. It tore the Earthians apart with one side fighting the leaf overlords and the others becoming their willing slaves. The war may be over, but division among the Earthians remains. As an alien immigrant, you must choose a side: to either love the death of leaves or to meh about the death of leaves. Your decision will make you a part of a community which will protect you against the ravages of the other side.
2. Blend in.
As an immigrant alien, you may stand out a bit. The only way to survive fall is to be as inconspicuous as possible. Wear the uniform that people put on when fall happens. Boots, sweaters, scarves, hats – we know they’re ugly, but they are your only defense against being singled-out and buried in a pile of the dead bodies of leaf-kind.
3. Pass the Peace Mug.
To show that you are down with the fall movement, engage in the ritual of the peace mug. In the hallowed caves of cafes across the globe, Earthians pass the peace mug to celebrate the victory over leaf-kind. DO NOT SPILL THE PEACE MUG! To do so is to invite ostracism and burnt fingers.
4. The Spice
The pumpkin spice is life. The pumpkin spice expands consciousness. The pumpkin spice extends life. The pumpkin spice is vital to space travel. He who controls the pumpkin spice, controls the white girls!